Waiting to Exhale

Well, after a nice and relaxing weekend, its back to the real world with a vengeance. The house situation seems tense. . .I just want to move. I really, really like this house. We just need money. . .because I know that someone is just going to sweep in and buy it. Then it’s back to square one, ugh. I checked on my money tree in the yard this morning. . .and it still isn’t growing. Must be this lousy Pittsburgh weather.
On the baby subject, not too much new. I’m on CD 19 and no O yet. I had a conversation with a friend of mine conversation last week about babies and stuff. At first it didn’t go so well, I don’t think she knows how we have been trying and how PCOS is really affecting me. She was one of those people who told me “It’s in God’s hands”. (sigh) So she on to tell me how she thinks she really wants a baby and how maybe we can be pregnant together. So I explained to her, that she most likely will be pregnant before me. Apparently, she didn’t think we were really trying. So I went into the whole thing of how I am temping and charting AND taking OPK’s everyday, and nothing. Most likely I will start medication on the next cycle. And I could see her just trying to process everything. I guess it’s hard for someone else to understand. She said she is amazed that I do all of that. That she doesn't think she would be able to. But I never pictured myself ever doing any of this either. But the minute I was told that I might possibly NOT be able to have a baby, I became very proactive. There was no wait and see for me.

So next week, I get to call and make my Dr.’s appointment and see what he has to say on what my next step should be. I’m very hopeful and I just want to get to the next thing. I am pulling out all the tricks on this last cycle. . .I bought POM juice (which is the nastiest thing next to Prune juice), I have mucinex (just in case i O and my CM isn’t what it should be). I don’t know what else I can do. . .but wait. I fill like that is what my life consist of now. Waiting. Waiting about the house. Waiting for money. Waiting for work to be done. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for doctors appointments. Waiting for a baby. Waiting to Exhale.

No Money

SO we went through the house again last night. And we went home and realized that we still don’t have enough money for a deposit. . .what a letdown. So now we need to come up with $1200. I just hope no one else likes that house and this works out for us. Something needs to give. . .where is my money tree? And that $1200 isn’t even including closing costs, and everything else. Oh {insert big sigh here} please, please, please no one else like this house!!!! It’s mine!

On the other hand, it is day 12 of my cycle and I think I am having pain in my ovaries. Sharp, stabbing pain. . .not sure what that means if anything. . .but it has come and gone all day. It really hurts. Maybe it means I am ovulating this month. . .although all tests point to no so far. Maybe it just means that my ovaries are sabotaging all of my eggs. That's more likely.

Possible Home?

Let’s get off the baby subject for a minute. Let’s go to house hunting. My husband and I have been searching for a house for what seems to be years. But it has actually only been 3 months. . .but we might have found the one! It’s such a scary and exciting feeling. So many what-if’s now to think about. We are walking through the house one last time before we make any decisions and we will probably discuss it over the weekend. But I truly feel like this is our house! It has a lot of character and it just seems to fit.
Everything else it scary, finding a mortgage company, submitting an offer, getting approved, all the money involved. When you look at the big picture it can be the scariest thing ever. So I am trying to break it down into baby steps, so I don’t get consumed by the “bigness” of it. At the same time keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly, and this can be the “break” that we so truly deserve. Everything else has been hard for us, nothing is smooth sailing and it seems like things that come easy to everyone else is always a uphill battle for us. So fingers crossed for smooth sailing.

Back to the baby thing. . .I think I am going to stop reading everyone’s FB posts. It seems like everyone I know is now pregnant or getting pregnant. It sucks, and I hate reading the daily post (OMG, I’m pregnant). Ugh. I don’t share in your happiness.

Yes, I am still bitter.

No ovulation = No baby

So, I just got done with the first cycle that I charted. And what a disappointment. I did not ovulate, so obviously, there is no baby. It seemed like my body tried twice to ovulate, but I probably have cysts instead. It sucks and makes me feel defeated. The worst part is, there is nothing I can do about it at this point. I read the books, and I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. Although, my life style has never been that unhealthy. I am pretty active, I am not overweight, non-smoker. . .what gives??!! I can’t wait until July 16th when I can call my doctor and make an appointment to get this show on the road.

I read a blog this morning, that basically brought me to tears. And not the good kind, the jealous kind. She found out she was pregnant. Oh, yay for you! She wasn’t even really trying, must be nice to be like that. Just to decide, hey, I want kids. And then get one.
Oh and for everyone that says you must be stressed out. Yes, I sure am. Wouldn’t you be?

I hate this. I hate joking on the outside about it to make others feel better about my “condition”. I hate that I told my parents and in turn, they told their parents who probably told aunts and uncles and so on. I hate that Chris told his mom, and then afterwards she made a rude comment about fertility drugs in front of me. It’s not any of their business. I don’t want your sad looks, or your stupid heartless apologies. I hate that reading TCOYF made me realize that I used to O and now I don’t. What happened? Why did this just come about? Why did I have to find out when I was 30? I hate having sex when I am tired or not in the mood, but we do it, because we don’t want to lose out on missing that one day that I might be fertile. I feel I lost valuable time. I hate that so many people who should NEVER have kids have them. And they don’t even care. I would make a wonderful mom. I hate that women in Hollywood adopt 5 kids, but a normal person has to wait years to adopt. It doesn’t make sense, there are all these kids that need homes. And millions of people want to give them one, why is it so hard?


The word bitter is starting to take on a whole new meaning for me.

Rainy Day

Well, I am in sort of a crappy mood here today. I thought I was ovulating. 2 positive OPK tests this week. Had a big dip in temps one day and then a big rise above the coverline. Just to have in drop again today. So needless to say, I don’t think there is going to be a baby this time. This charting thing is not so easy if you’re not normal. Mine likes to tease me. Then the OPK’s like to lie. It’s just not my day.
Plus the fact that it is June, and it is rainy and only 71 out today. I hate this weather, it just puts me in such a bad mood.
So instead of staying in a bad mood, I am going to make a list of things to look forward to.
1. Shopping a lunch today.
2. Seeing a good friend on Saturday.
3. Camp in July
4. Cedarpoint in July

Unanswered Questions

It’s funny how things happen in your life. Like how we take birth control for years not to get pregnant, only when it comes time that you feel like you are ready to be told it might not be a possibility. Or how I know that I once was fertile (thanks to reading TCOYF) and now I know that I really am not on my own.
All this charting and temp taking just confirms that I just am not able to on my own. It’s a big let down every day. But I go into it hopeful every day. But when I sit down to reflect, I see that maybe I am being foolish.
And then I see how many people are going to see a RE and think maybe I shouldn’t wait to go see one. But I don’t know what my health insurance will cover and we don’t have money to play with.
I just wish I knew where this road was going to take me. I sometimes feel like I am alone in this. So many thoughts/questions. going on inside, and I don’t have any answers.

On to a different source of stress, we are also trying to buy a house right now. I am either too picky or there is just nothing out there. The one house that we loved, we can’t get a loan on. It was in bad condition and the FHA won’t give out a loan on that house. (It was beautiful.) It needed a ton of work, but I could see the end results in my head. It could have been the perfect house.

Waiting and Dreaming

I’m a horrible blogger. I just start this and I don’t keep up. Ugh!

I guess it’s because nothing has really been going on. I’m just in the waiting game stages and I am waiting to see what the next move is. My daily routine is to wake up at 6:30 to take my temp., which I don’t even need an alarm to do anymore. My body just wakes me up around 6:25 every day. On the weekend I fall asleep sometimes with the thermometer in my mouth! Then once I am up, I get to pee in a cup. I am actually getting really good at this. I wonder if I can put it on my next resume. . .professional cup pisser. Hmmm. . .

At the same time, everyone one around me is getting pregnant or having kids. Two college friends of mine are now pregnant, my cousin is, and my friend is probably in labor right now delivering her baby girl. Every time I hear that someone is, it’s kind of like a quick slap in the face. It stings at first, but it is quickly forgotten. I just think if by next year, I still am not pregnant then it will more than sting.

It almost that I have my mind tricked. I don’t really believe anymore that I am infertile. First, I was crushed, but now I am in denial. I just don’t think that I will be sitting here next year writing about fertility treatments. I really think I will have a baby in my arms.

Everyone raise your glass to dreamers. . .