Is it Over Yet?

I don't even know where to start this blog. How do you begin to write about the worst days of your life. How do you tell the story of a pain that is so deep that you will feel it for the rest of your life. How do I tell you that my baby is gone, and no one can tell me why or how. How do you begin to move on.

I can't begin to descibe the pain. Emotionally and physically. I am drained from both of them. From being on the floor in a ball from the extreme physical pain that I was in. From crying for days on end.

I can't even remember it all. I knew it was over before the doctors appointment, I guess that was just confirming it. As they quietly put us in a private waiting room and lead us out the back way. . .they don't want anyone else to see the mess of me. The look of failure and loss. They don't want to upset everyone else. . .yes, please hide us.

But we can't stay hidden forever. As soon as you are out the door, you are forced back into the real world. People are shopping, people are working, people are living, and I just want it all to stop. To just press pause on living, I need time.

I have so many questions and no answers. So many whys. Why did I hear the heartbeat and 4 days later it was over. Of course the ever famous, Why me? Why us? Didn't my baby know how much I loved it. How much I needed it.

I'm not sure if I can do this again. To put myself back out there to feel so much pain. As much as I want a baby. I'm just not sure if I can go through this again.

Empiness

Today I have heavy red bleeding, blood clots and cramps. I think I lost my baby.

Scared.

Stress. There is so much of it. I am wracked with worry day and night that I won't be able to carry this pregnancy. I have been spotting since last Saturday, so the doctor had me come in early and did an ultrasound. I was 5 weeks and 5 days. And I got to hear the heartbeat. I think that was the first time I felt pure joy at the fact that I was pregnant. My little grain of rice (that's how big it was) had a heart beat. And for a minute, things were okay. I have another appointment this week for another ultrasound to make sure the baby is growing. And I am so scared. I have been bleeding more today, and I just am hoping that everything is okay. I just want to get through this first trimester. I just want the bleeding to stop. I just want to find comfort somewhere, and to be able to enjoy this time. To be excited for my little ones arrival, instead of being scared that my little one won't ever come.

Tonight I have put myself on bedrest for the night. To have my feet up and rest and try to not to stress. Even as the tears run down my face as I am typing. And i pray to god, to please let my baby be okay.

BFP

That’s right, I am pregnant! It’s kind of hard to believe, and I don’t think it has sunk in yet. This was supposed to be harder, I had myself prepared for a very long journey. But yet, here I am, 4 week pregnant. I refuse to be too excited about it until after my first doctors appointment which is on Aug. 19th. But of course that doesn’t stop my mind from wondering. . .what stroller do I want, what type of bedding, how long should I take for maternity leave. . .names, oh my! What will we name it!!!

There is only 2 people outside of Chris and I that know. And I want to keep it that way for awhile. . .I don’t want to have to tell everyone if something bad was to happen. I don’t think I would have the strength to look at everyone and let them know.

I’m waiting for the day that all of this seems real. That moment when it finally clicks and I feel pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have been feeling great. I’m tired and feel slightly hung over all the time. But I need something more. . .maybe a heartbeat, or a sonogram photo. . .something I can hold on to. And say this is mine, this is my baby. . .