Is it Over Yet?

I don't even know where to start this blog. How do you begin to write about the worst days of your life. How do you tell the story of a pain that is so deep that you will feel it for the rest of your life. How do I tell you that my baby is gone, and no one can tell me why or how. How do you begin to move on.

I can't begin to descibe the pain. Emotionally and physically. I am drained from both of them. From being on the floor in a ball from the extreme physical pain that I was in. From crying for days on end.

I can't even remember it all. I knew it was over before the doctors appointment, I guess that was just confirming it. As they quietly put us in a private waiting room and lead us out the back way. . .they don't want anyone else to see the mess of me. The look of failure and loss. They don't want to upset everyone else. . .yes, please hide us.

But we can't stay hidden forever. As soon as you are out the door, you are forced back into the real world. People are shopping, people are working, people are living, and I just want it all to stop. To just press pause on living, I need time.

I have so many questions and no answers. So many whys. Why did I hear the heartbeat and 4 days later it was over. Of course the ever famous, Why me? Why us? Didn't my baby know how much I loved it. How much I needed it.

I'm not sure if I can do this again. To put myself back out there to feel so much pain. As much as I want a baby. I'm just not sure if I can go through this again.