Scared.

Stress. There is so much of it. I am wracked with worry day and night that I won't be able to carry this pregnancy. I have been spotting since last Saturday, so the doctor had me come in early and did an ultrasound. I was 5 weeks and 5 days. And I got to hear the heartbeat. I think that was the first time I felt pure joy at the fact that I was pregnant. My little grain of rice (that's how big it was) had a heart beat. And for a minute, things were okay. I have another appointment this week for another ultrasound to make sure the baby is growing. And I am so scared. I have been bleeding more today, and I just am hoping that everything is okay. I just want to get through this first trimester. I just want the bleeding to stop. I just want to find comfort somewhere, and to be able to enjoy this time. To be excited for my little ones arrival, instead of being scared that my little one won't ever come.

Tonight I have put myself on bedrest for the night. To have my feet up and rest and try to not to stress. Even as the tears run down my face as I am typing. And i pray to god, to please let my baby be okay.