Long time, No Write

Well, things are going good.  I'm a little hyper about everything, and I am always worried that something is wrong. And I can't seem to control it. But other then me being crazy, things are looking good. I have my next doctors appointment in 1 week, and I am looking forward to that. I always seem to feel better after those. It gives me piece of mind for at least a few days.  I would assume once I start really showing (not just looking fat!) I will feel better. I bought a doppler, I figured it would give me piece of mind, however it says not to use it until you are in your 3rd tri, and I can't find the heartbeat. (I'm only in my second.) So I figured I would try every week, and hopefully I will find it soon!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas!!

2 posts in 1 day. Wow!

How far along are you? Um, I think 10 weeks, 5 days
Total Weight gain/loss? No clue, I don't own a scale
Stretch marks? No

Baby Movement? No, way to early.

Best moment this week? Really, I'm not sure. I told my boss, which was a relief. And I found the picture frames I want to give my parents.

Food Cravings? Nothing really this week. . .

Sickness? Feeling good the last 2 days.

Belly button in or out? In

Milestones? People think I am showing, I think it is fat.
How big is baby? The size of a prune! lol

Maternity clothes? no, but I have use my bella band with everything.

Sleep? not as much as before, but I still like to be in bed around 10ish.

Gender? I'm leaning towards girl

What I miss? Sushi

What I'm looking forward to? Monday's appt.

So, I am one of those. . .

I don't feel pregnant anymore. Yesterday, I felt fine. Today I feel fine. I woke up, and I'm not even hungry. My boobs don't look as big. I'm scared that I am not pregnant anymore. No spotting or cramping, but just everything went away. I hate being like this, I should be happy that I am feeling well. I should be enjoying my pregnancy instead of worrying about it. I get so mad at myself, but I just can't help it.

My doctors appt is on Monday, I am going to begged him for another ultrasound, just so I can see for myself that everything is okay.

8 Weeks!

How far along are you? 8 weeks 3 days

Total Weight gain/loss? 7 lbs. Almost a pound a week, I’m sure that isn’t good! 
Stretch marks? No
Baby Movement? No, way to early.

Best moment this week? Seeing my baby for the first time and hearing the heart beat.

Food Cravings? Varies everyday.
Sickness? Usually feel a little sick everyday, I have the metallic taste in my mouth again.
Belly button in or out? In

Milestones? I’m further along than I have ever been before!

How big is baby? 7.7 cm
Maternity clothes? nope. But I am rocking my bella band today.
Sleep? yes please!

Gender? unknown

What I miss? Feeling Healthy
What I'm looking forward to? 11 week appt.

My baby is this big:

How to be a blog rockstar.

I'm sorry, did you think this blog was going to give you advice on how to have a rockin' blog??!!  Well, it's not. I don't get the whole blogging thing. My blog looks like poo.  I tried to fancy it up on thecutestblog, however I either don't know how to follow directions or directions don't like me. Nothing looks right, it's not sized correctly, I have little wrenches and screwdrivers on my page (is someone trying to hint to me that I need to work on this?) Also, when I follow people, it shows that sad little gray figure. I have no idea where to go to fix that! I've tried countless times. I am a failure at this.

Morning Sickness??

Really? At 4 weeks? You've got to be kidding me. Yesterday, ALL day, I felt sick. No vomiting, but I felt like it was right around the corner. This morning, dry heaves in the morning, and ALL day I felt sick. So I guess I technically don't have morning sickness, I have All Day sickness.Off to take a nap, while I want for hubby. We are suppose to go to dinner, hope I make it through that.

I still get sad. . .

When I think how far along I should be with my first pregnancy. I would have been into my second trimester now. It just makes me sad. And I know I shouldn't, I should be happy that I am pregnant again and focus on this one. And most of the time I do. But I just happen to see, that someone I know has the same due date that I would have had. And it hurts a little.

Stick Baby Stick. I can't lose you.

Another BFP.

Don't get me wrong. I am excited. But very cautious at the same time. I tell myself everyday "Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby." But I am nervous to get overly excited. Nervous to be happy, to talk to my baby, to share the news. I know that being this nervous won't help me, and I am trying to take it easy and not overthink things. I am still doing the same things, I haven't changed my daily routine. I am still working out, but making sure I keep my heart rate down. I am still taking yoga.

My first doctors appointment will be on Nov. 16th. I will be 6 weeks. Please let me make it that far. Everyday that I am still pregnant, feels like a prize. But at the same time, every pain or cramp sends fear through my body.

But I'll say it again, Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. Stick baby stick, mommy and daddy want to hold you.

Things Aren't Always Butterflies and Roses

Let me just say, work sucks. Well, at least lately. I've just been so freakin' busy. And I feel like I am a babysitter to about 40 grown adults. Seriously, do you need to bug me for everything. No, I can't scratch your ass for you today, you will have to reach it yourself.

I just feel like I can't catch a break with anything. I did have a nice weekend. We went "camping", and did some good hiking and my biggest concern all weekend was making sure the campfire didn't go out! If only every day could be like that!

I am currently in my 2ww. And I don't feel like I have any hope for this cycle. Even though we BD'd a lot around that time, it just doesn't feel like it is going to work this cycle. I always hear how people analyze every little thing during those 2 weeks. However, I feel nothing. I didn't last time either. Who knows. Plus, my chart was really weird this cycle, instead of a sharp increase in temps, it is a very slow climb. And it didn't really spike that much. In the high 97's.

I am going to skip Yoga tonight and make some Pumpkin cupcakes. Hopefully, they will turn out good and turn my mood around.

I'm 30, and all I want is a baby. Who knew it would be so hard.

Obsessed

I’m obsessed. Completely and totally obsessed with getting pregnant and my m/c. It has taken over all aspects of my life. I hate being like this, but I’m not sure how to stop it. I am always calculating in my head how far along I should be, or what I would be doing this week. Would I be telling my parents, or work. Would I be showing? It makes me sick. It makes me stressed. I feel like I am walking on a tight rope and barely staying on.
I’m obsessed with getting pg again. In fact everything points to me ovulating this week, but my cm is not the best. And I still don’t have crosshairs. Please, please let me ovulate this week. I’m going to do things differently this time, not sure what, but I swear I am going to make the most of it this time.

Other then the baby making/issues, my husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary. We had a great weekend together. But I couldn’t help to notice that something was missing. . .

This guy is my hero.

http://www.planetgordon.com/archives/000734.html

Happy It's Fall

Normally, you would never hear me say that. I love summer, I hate cold weather. But I am just ready for a change. This summer didn't bring me any good new. . . so maybe the fall will. All I know is I am ready.
Also, sorry I haven't posted it awhile. I have just been kind of inside of my head. One day I feel sad, the next I am okay. The sadness can come from anywhere, and it can come out of nowhere. So I have just been trying to keep myself busy.
I think I am ready to try again. However, my body is not there yet. It is the waiting game for AF to show again, and then charting all over again.
I've been trying to simplify my life as well, the meanless and pointless friendships I have had, I have decided to just let them fall by the wayside. I need people in my life at this point that support me. I have canceled my facebook profile for the time being, I can't deal with the pregnancy annoucements (especially the ones who, opps! it just happened). I need to focus on me, for the first time in my life, everyone else must take the backburner. I know I need to focus on myself and my feelings.

I will try to write more often. . .promise. :)

Is it Over Yet?

I don't even know where to start this blog. How do you begin to write about the worst days of your life. How do you tell the story of a pain that is so deep that you will feel it for the rest of your life. How do I tell you that my baby is gone, and no one can tell me why or how. How do you begin to move on.

I can't begin to descibe the pain. Emotionally and physically. I am drained from both of them. From being on the floor in a ball from the extreme physical pain that I was in. From crying for days on end.

I can't even remember it all. I knew it was over before the doctors appointment, I guess that was just confirming it. As they quietly put us in a private waiting room and lead us out the back way. . .they don't want anyone else to see the mess of me. The look of failure and loss. They don't want to upset everyone else. . .yes, please hide us.

But we can't stay hidden forever. As soon as you are out the door, you are forced back into the real world. People are shopping, people are working, people are living, and I just want it all to stop. To just press pause on living, I need time.

I have so many questions and no answers. So many whys. Why did I hear the heartbeat and 4 days later it was over. Of course the ever famous, Why me? Why us? Didn't my baby know how much I loved it. How much I needed it.

I'm not sure if I can do this again. To put myself back out there to feel so much pain. As much as I want a baby. I'm just not sure if I can go through this again.

Empiness

Today I have heavy red bleeding, blood clots and cramps. I think I lost my baby.

Scared.

Stress. There is so much of it. I am wracked with worry day and night that I won't be able to carry this pregnancy. I have been spotting since last Saturday, so the doctor had me come in early and did an ultrasound. I was 5 weeks and 5 days. And I got to hear the heartbeat. I think that was the first time I felt pure joy at the fact that I was pregnant. My little grain of rice (that's how big it was) had a heart beat. And for a minute, things were okay. I have another appointment this week for another ultrasound to make sure the baby is growing. And I am so scared. I have been bleeding more today, and I just am hoping that everything is okay. I just want to get through this first trimester. I just want the bleeding to stop. I just want to find comfort somewhere, and to be able to enjoy this time. To be excited for my little ones arrival, instead of being scared that my little one won't ever come.

Tonight I have put myself on bedrest for the night. To have my feet up and rest and try to not to stress. Even as the tears run down my face as I am typing. And i pray to god, to please let my baby be okay.

BFP

That’s right, I am pregnant! It’s kind of hard to believe, and I don’t think it has sunk in yet. This was supposed to be harder, I had myself prepared for a very long journey. But yet, here I am, 4 week pregnant. I refuse to be too excited about it until after my first doctors appointment which is on Aug. 19th. But of course that doesn’t stop my mind from wondering. . .what stroller do I want, what type of bedding, how long should I take for maternity leave. . .names, oh my! What will we name it!!!

There is only 2 people outside of Chris and I that know. And I want to keep it that way for awhile. . .I don’t want to have to tell everyone if something bad was to happen. I don’t think I would have the strength to look at everyone and let them know.

I’m waiting for the day that all of this seems real. That moment when it finally clicks and I feel pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I have been feeling great. I’m tired and feel slightly hung over all the time. But I need something more. . .maybe a heartbeat, or a sonogram photo. . .something I can hold on to. And say this is mine, this is my baby. . .

AF is coming.

I’m a bitch today. I am going to explode. Everyone is getting on my nerves. . .there are people at work today that the sound of the voice makes me want to scream! I just want to put tape over their mouths. Guess what that means??? AF must be coming. Great. I knew deep down that I wasn’t pregnant, but seriously? What gives? I thought we did everything right, I actually “o” for the first time in 3 months. And since I don’t have a doctor yet, I guess I’ll do my own WTF appointment.

I wish AF would just come already. So I can just get it over with and start over. The whole waiting game is ridiculous. I guess I should make some decisions while I wait. Like, do I go to the doctor now and get on meds or do I wait another cycle to see if I “o” again on my own. . .


On top of everything else, we have postponed our house search. Initially, I was more then upset. We had found a house that was almost perfect, but being the mature adult that I am, I know that this is for the best now. We have no clue how much fertility treatments are going to cost, and until we have some kind of ballpark figure we have to be smart about the steps we are making for our future.

*Sigh* Things are never easy.

Stupid Chart

Stupid crosslines. They moved them, apparently due to more information they moved the day I O’d to 23rd from the 19th, which would mean there is no way that I am pregnant. At least they are still dotted, which I am now taking as a sign that they have no freakin clue.

Quick Note

Just a quick check-in. . .today is CD 25. And I am currently in the 2WW. I have dotted cross-hairs on my chart! (dotted ones are better than none!) My temp has been slightly elevated the past few days. So we will see. . .

Waiting to Exhale

Well, after a nice and relaxing weekend, its back to the real world with a vengeance. The house situation seems tense. . .I just want to move. I really, really like this house. We just need money. . .because I know that someone is just going to sweep in and buy it. Then it’s back to square one, ugh. I checked on my money tree in the yard this morning. . .and it still isn’t growing. Must be this lousy Pittsburgh weather.
On the baby subject, not too much new. I’m on CD 19 and no O yet. I had a conversation with a friend of mine conversation last week about babies and stuff. At first it didn’t go so well, I don’t think she knows how we have been trying and how PCOS is really affecting me. She was one of those people who told me “It’s in God’s hands”. (sigh) So she on to tell me how she thinks she really wants a baby and how maybe we can be pregnant together. So I explained to her, that she most likely will be pregnant before me. Apparently, she didn’t think we were really trying. So I went into the whole thing of how I am temping and charting AND taking OPK’s everyday, and nothing. Most likely I will start medication on the next cycle. And I could see her just trying to process everything. I guess it’s hard for someone else to understand. She said she is amazed that I do all of that. That she doesn't think she would be able to. But I never pictured myself ever doing any of this either. But the minute I was told that I might possibly NOT be able to have a baby, I became very proactive. There was no wait and see for me.

So next week, I get to call and make my Dr.’s appointment and see what he has to say on what my next step should be. I’m very hopeful and I just want to get to the next thing. I am pulling out all the tricks on this last cycle. . .I bought POM juice (which is the nastiest thing next to Prune juice), I have mucinex (just in case i O and my CM isn’t what it should be). I don’t know what else I can do. . .but wait. I fill like that is what my life consist of now. Waiting. Waiting about the house. Waiting for money. Waiting for work to be done. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for doctors appointments. Waiting for a baby. Waiting to Exhale.

No Money

SO we went through the house again last night. And we went home and realized that we still don’t have enough money for a deposit. . .what a letdown. So now we need to come up with $1200. I just hope no one else likes that house and this works out for us. Something needs to give. . .where is my money tree? And that $1200 isn’t even including closing costs, and everything else. Oh {insert big sigh here} please, please, please no one else like this house!!!! It’s mine!

On the other hand, it is day 12 of my cycle and I think I am having pain in my ovaries. Sharp, stabbing pain. . .not sure what that means if anything. . .but it has come and gone all day. It really hurts. Maybe it means I am ovulating this month. . .although all tests point to no so far. Maybe it just means that my ovaries are sabotaging all of my eggs. That's more likely.

Possible Home?

Let’s get off the baby subject for a minute. Let’s go to house hunting. My husband and I have been searching for a house for what seems to be years. But it has actually only been 3 months. . .but we might have found the one! It’s such a scary and exciting feeling. So many what-if’s now to think about. We are walking through the house one last time before we make any decisions and we will probably discuss it over the weekend. But I truly feel like this is our house! It has a lot of character and it just seems to fit.
Everything else it scary, finding a mortgage company, submitting an offer, getting approved, all the money involved. When you look at the big picture it can be the scariest thing ever. So I am trying to break it down into baby steps, so I don’t get consumed by the “bigness” of it. At the same time keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes smoothly, and this can be the “break” that we so truly deserve. Everything else has been hard for us, nothing is smooth sailing and it seems like things that come easy to everyone else is always a uphill battle for us. So fingers crossed for smooth sailing.

Back to the baby thing. . .I think I am going to stop reading everyone’s FB posts. It seems like everyone I know is now pregnant or getting pregnant. It sucks, and I hate reading the daily post (OMG, I’m pregnant). Ugh. I don’t share in your happiness.

Yes, I am still bitter.

No ovulation = No baby

So, I just got done with the first cycle that I charted. And what a disappointment. I did not ovulate, so obviously, there is no baby. It seemed like my body tried twice to ovulate, but I probably have cysts instead. It sucks and makes me feel defeated. The worst part is, there is nothing I can do about it at this point. I read the books, and I am trying to live a healthier lifestyle. Although, my life style has never been that unhealthy. I am pretty active, I am not overweight, non-smoker. . .what gives??!! I can’t wait until July 16th when I can call my doctor and make an appointment to get this show on the road.

I read a blog this morning, that basically brought me to tears. And not the good kind, the jealous kind. She found out she was pregnant. Oh, yay for you! She wasn’t even really trying, must be nice to be like that. Just to decide, hey, I want kids. And then get one.
Oh and for everyone that says you must be stressed out. Yes, I sure am. Wouldn’t you be?

I hate this. I hate joking on the outside about it to make others feel better about my “condition”. I hate that I told my parents and in turn, they told their parents who probably told aunts and uncles and so on. I hate that Chris told his mom, and then afterwards she made a rude comment about fertility drugs in front of me. It’s not any of their business. I don’t want your sad looks, or your stupid heartless apologies. I hate that reading TCOYF made me realize that I used to O and now I don’t. What happened? Why did this just come about? Why did I have to find out when I was 30? I hate having sex when I am tired or not in the mood, but we do it, because we don’t want to lose out on missing that one day that I might be fertile. I feel I lost valuable time. I hate that so many people who should NEVER have kids have them. And they don’t even care. I would make a wonderful mom. I hate that women in Hollywood adopt 5 kids, but a normal person has to wait years to adopt. It doesn’t make sense, there are all these kids that need homes. And millions of people want to give them one, why is it so hard?


The word bitter is starting to take on a whole new meaning for me.

Rainy Day

Well, I am in sort of a crappy mood here today. I thought I was ovulating. 2 positive OPK tests this week. Had a big dip in temps one day and then a big rise above the coverline. Just to have in drop again today. So needless to say, I don’t think there is going to be a baby this time. This charting thing is not so easy if you’re not normal. Mine likes to tease me. Then the OPK’s like to lie. It’s just not my day.
Plus the fact that it is June, and it is rainy and only 71 out today. I hate this weather, it just puts me in such a bad mood.
So instead of staying in a bad mood, I am going to make a list of things to look forward to.
1. Shopping a lunch today.
2. Seeing a good friend on Saturday.
3. Camp in July
4. Cedarpoint in July

Unanswered Questions

It’s funny how things happen in your life. Like how we take birth control for years not to get pregnant, only when it comes time that you feel like you are ready to be told it might not be a possibility. Or how I know that I once was fertile (thanks to reading TCOYF) and now I know that I really am not on my own.
All this charting and temp taking just confirms that I just am not able to on my own. It’s a big let down every day. But I go into it hopeful every day. But when I sit down to reflect, I see that maybe I am being foolish.
And then I see how many people are going to see a RE and think maybe I shouldn’t wait to go see one. But I don’t know what my health insurance will cover and we don’t have money to play with.
I just wish I knew where this road was going to take me. I sometimes feel like I am alone in this. So many thoughts/questions. going on inside, and I don’t have any answers.

On to a different source of stress, we are also trying to buy a house right now. I am either too picky or there is just nothing out there. The one house that we loved, we can’t get a loan on. It was in bad condition and the FHA won’t give out a loan on that house. (It was beautiful.) It needed a ton of work, but I could see the end results in my head. It could have been the perfect house.

Waiting and Dreaming

I’m a horrible blogger. I just start this and I don’t keep up. Ugh!

I guess it’s because nothing has really been going on. I’m just in the waiting game stages and I am waiting to see what the next move is. My daily routine is to wake up at 6:30 to take my temp., which I don’t even need an alarm to do anymore. My body just wakes me up around 6:25 every day. On the weekend I fall asleep sometimes with the thermometer in my mouth! Then once I am up, I get to pee in a cup. I am actually getting really good at this. I wonder if I can put it on my next resume. . .professional cup pisser. Hmmm. . .

At the same time, everyone one around me is getting pregnant or having kids. Two college friends of mine are now pregnant, my cousin is, and my friend is probably in labor right now delivering her baby girl. Every time I hear that someone is, it’s kind of like a quick slap in the face. It stings at first, but it is quickly forgotten. I just think if by next year, I still am not pregnant then it will more than sting.

It almost that I have my mind tricked. I don’t really believe anymore that I am infertile. First, I was crushed, but now I am in denial. I just don’t think that I will be sitting here next year writing about fertility treatments. I really think I will have a baby in my arms.

Everyone raise your glass to dreamers. . .

What is PCOS.

Here is what I found:

What is PCOS?
Polycystic ovary syndrome, or PCOS, is a complex hormone disorder that may cause such symptoms as irregular menstrual cycles, infertility, excessive body hair, acne, and obesity. Not everyone experiences ALL of these symptoms. The syndrome is named for the tiny cysts that MAY form in the ovaries when the hormone imbalance interrupts the ovulation process. The term polycystic means composed of many cysts. If the hormone imbalance is left untreated, the syndrome may lead to life-threatening illnesses such as diabetes, heart disease, stroke, and uterine and endometrial cancers.

Well, here goes my first blog. We will begin like they do in AA. . .
Hi, my name is Liz and I have PCOS. My husband is Chris. We would like to have children. I was hoping for 3 to be exact.
Now, I will start back to when it all started. In March I realized I was late with my period. Two weeks later, still nothing. Took pregnancy test one, negative. Called and made a doctor’s appointment, luckily they made an appointment for me 2 weeks later. I didn’t have to wait a month.
That week I started to get sick. My stomach hurt, but it was an unusual pain. More like pressure. I keep telling Chris that it felt like an alien was trying to push out of my stomach. I took another pregnancy test (hoping for a positive), negative. Right then, I knew something was wrong. I felt it with everything in my body, and I couldn’t shake that feeling. I’ve only felt like that once before, and I was right then. So I was terrified.
Went to the doctor, he did the standard test. No, I am not pregnant. No, it’s not a UTI or anything else. Everything looks good. But he ordered follow up blood work and scheduled for me to come back for an ultrasound.
Went and got blood work done, and all was normal. In the meantime, the pain in my stomach went away and I got my period. All is well, and I thought I overreacted.
Went for my ultrasound. I had all these little black dots on my ovaries. Silly me, I thought they were my eggs. The doctor comes in to inform me that they were not, they are cysts. Turns out I have PCOS (if you don’t know what it is, I will go into detail in my next post). It is the #1 cause of infertility in women. I stopped listening to what he was saying. I wanted to cry, but I don’t want to in front of the doctor. So I just keep repeating in my head “Don’t cry, Don’t cry, please please PLEASE don’t cry”. I have no clue what the doctor was saying after that. All I did manage to pick up was he want me to start doing ovulation predictor tests in the mornings. And if I am not ovulating within 3 months, he wants me to come back in and we will start talking about what fertility drugs might work for me. He doesn’t want to wait long (probably because of my age, I am 30.).
I remember walking to my car and just crying. Even writing this now, I am filled with emotion, and want to cry. It’s such a tough pill to swallow, if fact, I still haven’t swallowed it. It is stuck in my throat. I either joke about it or cry about it. There is no in-between for me.
I went home, told my husband, cried some more and e-mailed my boss to let him know I was taking the rest of the day off.
Since then, I starting reading “Taking Charge of your Fertility”, I am charting, and taking OPT every morning. I got a false positive last month on the OPT, I know because I got a positive 3 days in a row. You should only ovulate one day. PCOS causes false positives at times.
I am hoping this month goes better, since I will be charting and taking the test I will be (hopefully) able to confirm if the OPT are correct or not.

This is my journey. . I am looking for my silver lining.