Another test.

I've been told that God doesn't throw anything at you that you can't handle. . .I think God has seriously overestimated me.

34 weeks and 3 days pregnant. There might be something wrong with my baby. What do you do with that at 34 weeks?

I am a miscarriage survivor. I have gotten pregnant against the odds of PCOS. My husband and I have hit rock bottom (or close to) financially this year, and are still getting by. I was already in Labor and Delivery due to no fetal movement when I was 6 months pregnant. I failed the first round of glucose testing.

But this, this is a whole different level.

I have to wait two weeks and then I am seeing a Perinatologist for another growth ultrasound.  The baby's head and stomach are larger then the rest of his body. Best case scenario, nothing is wrong. Worst Case, the baby has Down's. And then there is the whole slew of things in the middle that I can't even wrap my head around. I am completely focused on both of those. It is either nothing or the worst case, there is no middle ground for me right now.

My husband and I opted out of the testing at the beginning of the pregnancy for a couple of reasons. One, it's not 100%. After all I had been through, I didn't want a false positive to be a shadow over this pregnancy.
Two, what do you do if you have a positive result? Do you end the pregnancy, because it's not a prefect little baby? Is that selfish? Would I do something like that? I don't have the answers to any of those questions, and I would never judge anyone for making those decisions. Because that is a very personal and heart wrenching decision to have to make. I didn't want to make those decisions, so I didn't get tested.

But I have to admit, on several occasions I have questioned our decision not to. Always worried in the back of my mind that something could be wrong. And now that possibility is laid before us, and there is nothing I can do. No amount of praying or crying will change whatever the outcome is going to be. And no matter what that outcome is, he is coming into this world, either healthy or not.

So I am going to continue on getting his nursery ready, picking up last minute items that he may need, washing his clothes.

Are me and my husband prepared to raise and love a special needs child? Absolutely not. Are we capable of doing so (mentally and financially)?  I really have no clue, but we may have to find out.