Another BFP.

Don't get me wrong. I am excited. But very cautious at the same time. I tell myself everyday "Today I am pregnant, and I love my baby." But I am nervous to get overly excited. Nervous to be happy, to talk to my baby, to share the news. I know that being this nervous won't help me, and I am trying to take it easy and not overthink things. I am still doing the same things, I haven't changed my daily routine. I am still working out, but making sure I keep my heart rate down. I am still taking yoga.

My first doctors appointment will be on Nov. 16th. I will be 6 weeks. Please let me make it that far. Everyday that I am still pregnant, feels like a prize. But at the same time, every pain or cramp sends fear through my body.

But I'll say it again, Today I am pregnant and I love my baby. Stick baby stick, mommy and daddy want to hold you.

Things Aren't Always Butterflies and Roses

Let me just say, work sucks. Well, at least lately. I've just been so freakin' busy. And I feel like I am a babysitter to about 40 grown adults. Seriously, do you need to bug me for everything. No, I can't scratch your ass for you today, you will have to reach it yourself.

I just feel like I can't catch a break with anything. I did have a nice weekend. We went "camping", and did some good hiking and my biggest concern all weekend was making sure the campfire didn't go out! If only every day could be like that!

I am currently in my 2ww. And I don't feel like I have any hope for this cycle. Even though we BD'd a lot around that time, it just doesn't feel like it is going to work this cycle. I always hear how people analyze every little thing during those 2 weeks. However, I feel nothing. I didn't last time either. Who knows. Plus, my chart was really weird this cycle, instead of a sharp increase in temps, it is a very slow climb. And it didn't really spike that much. In the high 97's.

I am going to skip Yoga tonight and make some Pumpkin cupcakes. Hopefully, they will turn out good and turn my mood around.

I'm 30, and all I want is a baby. Who knew it would be so hard.

Obsessed

I’m obsessed. Completely and totally obsessed with getting pregnant and my m/c. It has taken over all aspects of my life. I hate being like this, but I’m not sure how to stop it. I am always calculating in my head how far along I should be, or what I would be doing this week. Would I be telling my parents, or work. Would I be showing? It makes me sick. It makes me stressed. I feel like I am walking on a tight rope and barely staying on.
I’m obsessed with getting pg again. In fact everything points to me ovulating this week, but my cm is not the best. And I still don’t have crosshairs. Please, please let me ovulate this week. I’m going to do things differently this time, not sure what, but I swear I am going to make the most of it this time.

Other then the baby making/issues, my husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary. We had a great weekend together. But I couldn’t help to notice that something was missing. . .

This guy is my hero.

http://www.planetgordon.com/archives/000734.html

Happy It's Fall

Normally, you would never hear me say that. I love summer, I hate cold weather. But I am just ready for a change. This summer didn't bring me any good new. . . so maybe the fall will. All I know is I am ready.
Also, sorry I haven't posted it awhile. I have just been kind of inside of my head. One day I feel sad, the next I am okay. The sadness can come from anywhere, and it can come out of nowhere. So I have just been trying to keep myself busy.
I think I am ready to try again. However, my body is not there yet. It is the waiting game for AF to show again, and then charting all over again.
I've been trying to simplify my life as well, the meanless and pointless friendships I have had, I have decided to just let them fall by the wayside. I need people in my life at this point that support me. I have canceled my facebook profile for the time being, I can't deal with the pregnancy annoucements (especially the ones who, opps! it just happened). I need to focus on me, for the first time in my life, everyone else must take the backburner. I know I need to focus on myself and my feelings.

I will try to write more often. . .promise. :)

Is it Over Yet?

I don't even know where to start this blog. How do you begin to write about the worst days of your life. How do you tell the story of a pain that is so deep that you will feel it for the rest of your life. How do I tell you that my baby is gone, and no one can tell me why or how. How do you begin to move on.

I can't begin to descibe the pain. Emotionally and physically. I am drained from both of them. From being on the floor in a ball from the extreme physical pain that I was in. From crying for days on end.

I can't even remember it all. I knew it was over before the doctors appointment, I guess that was just confirming it. As they quietly put us in a private waiting room and lead us out the back way. . .they don't want anyone else to see the mess of me. The look of failure and loss. They don't want to upset everyone else. . .yes, please hide us.

But we can't stay hidden forever. As soon as you are out the door, you are forced back into the real world. People are shopping, people are working, people are living, and I just want it all to stop. To just press pause on living, I need time.

I have so many questions and no answers. So many whys. Why did I hear the heartbeat and 4 days later it was over. Of course the ever famous, Why me? Why us? Didn't my baby know how much I loved it. How much I needed it.

I'm not sure if I can do this again. To put myself back out there to feel so much pain. As much as I want a baby. I'm just not sure if I can go through this again.

Empiness

Today I have heavy red bleeding, blood clots and cramps. I think I lost my baby.